I feel unworthy, and part of me has grown to hate and hide from the world because I feel as if everyone holds me unworthy. While I see a therapist, I have often brought in outside material to our sessions, and I would appreciate book recommendations (or online blogs – namely, readable things) that come from people with similar experiences who have overcome (or at least are in the course of successfully fighting) this viewpoint. I understand why I feel unworthy. I was bullied badly. I was considered a "gifted" child and thus had high standards upon me in some gifted classes. I was unable to prevent my family from going through hard times as a child (even though a child cannot be reasonably expected to do so). And, damningly, I went to a remote college that, nine months out of the year for four years, immersively convinced me I was untalented in a performing art that gave me joy, and did so so convincingly that I didn't even try it again for 20 years. I also am morbidly obese, and unattractive by any objective standard.
I don't feel worthy of love. I don't feel worthy of acceptance. I feel as if every non-perfect element of me is a reason for lifelong solitude. I recently returned to try the art again, and I feel as if I am unskilled and simply BAD, hearing the voices of those long-ago experiences. And I also have always found myself parsing most anything that can be cast in a light of rejection, creating a very hostile world around me. In response, long ago as a child, I created a soldier version of myself - hard-edged and robotic inside, although with perfectly genuine-seeming human reactions on the outside. (I have done this since I was a child and I yearned to be an emotionless Vulcan.)
"You are enough." I've heard this affirmation before, although I don't think someone who knows me has ever said it to me. But every time I see it in a video or on the 'Net, something deep inside me says, "No. No, I'm not. I'm ... bad. I'm not enough. I'm worthless." And then I say it to myself in a hundred different ways in how I treat myself throughout the week.
(This belief is, as far as I know, not a product of any sexual abuse, although yes, I did endure a great deal of physical abuse from peer bullies.)
I don't feel worthy of love. I don't feel worthy of acceptance. I feel as if every non-perfect element of me is a reason for lifelong solitude. I recently returned to try the art again, and I feel as if I am unskilled and simply BAD, hearing the voices of those long-ago experiences. And I also have always found myself parsing most anything that can be cast in a light of rejection, creating a very hostile world around me. In response, long ago as a child, I created a soldier version of myself - hard-edged and robotic inside, although with perfectly genuine-seeming human reactions on the outside. (I have done this since I was a child and I yearned to be an emotionless Vulcan.)
"You are enough." I've heard this affirmation before, although I don't think someone who knows me has ever said it to me. But every time I see it in a video or on the 'Net, something deep inside me says, "No. No, I'm not. I'm ... bad. I'm not enough. I'm worthless." And then I say it to myself in a hundred different ways in how I treat myself throughout the week.
(This belief is, as far as I know, not a product of any sexual abuse, although yes, I did endure a great deal of physical abuse from peer bullies.)